This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior
citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LI K E TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE T O THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely
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I knew that a healthy dose of humor helps one live a longer and more interesting life, but I'm pleased to see that it also helps get an old pervert like him……and possibly me employed. :-)
ReplyDeleteHumor is funny, isn't it? Laughter is good for the heart--and employment!
ReplyDeleteYes. One of the things I do when I have time is to forward some of the humor I receive in emails to help spread the health it provides. Some of it is what might be called "ribald" or risqué humor, but I don't forward pornographic humor unless I know beforehand that the recipient(s) enjoy that sort of thing. If you'd like to be added to my email list for humor, send an email to my website and ask me to add you, and let me know what your tastes for humor may be. That address is driq@doctoriq.com
ReplyDeleteDon, I have a group of people who send me emails--some in groups of 10 or more. I have some I haven't looked at yet! Maybe I should put you on MY email list! Risque okay but no porn. I don't forward most of what I get. Even the ones that say if you don't the world will end or something equally dumb!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you --- no porn, although I receive some at times. I also have more incoming mail than I need, and a lot of it just gets deleted, but if I see something I think someone will like, and I have time, I'll forward a few.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good one. I have a hard time seeing a 75 year old man saying, "It sucked.", but 75 could be the new 30.
ReplyDeleteScott, did you miss the answer to what would you like to be doing in 5 yrs? Some people age faster than others! ;)
ReplyDeletei would so like to meet this man ... it seems he could teach us about growing up ... notice i said growing up because only as OLD as you feel ... scott , have you men or woman?
ReplyDeletesry computer froze up scott , have you met any 75 year old men or women ? i don't know why it only skipped those words ... kind humorous though huh?
ReplyDelete